The Holidays are here which means for the most of us that we all are privileged to be spending time with our family. I would have spent this Christmas driving down to Florida with my sister, mother and father; but that plan didn't work out so well. I took vacation time off from work. I could go back, but I feel I'm up for a well deserved week of relaxation. I'm a chef and considering the work load, it takes a toll on one's body. That and shoveling the driveway for hours thanks to snow and how lucky we are to all live on long island. Not that long island is the worst place to live in the world, it's just not the best during the winter.
So, day one of blogging. This is new to me, I really don't know what to write about. I guess I should start at the beginning of how I got here. I'm planning to write each day because, trust me, it is a long story. I'm guessing if anybody is up to reading this, I don't want to keep them up for the next few days and I'm sure there's a limit on characters as well.
The beginning...
Growing up I always felt that there was something missing, like a big emptiness that just couldn't be filled. I lived in a household where fighting was common and meals were hard to come by. I basically grew up in fear. I believe it is what led me to be that shy timid girl throughout most of my childhood. Later on, I did break out of that shell, which of course I will get into later on. But for the most part if it wasn't for all those hard times, I wouldn't be who I am today. I am grateful in many ways, but overlooking the trials and errors; there are just some things you don't want to ever remember. In school I was a straight A student up until the day I graduated. I was odd as well as extremely shy and I cried all the time. I didn't know how to connect with anybody, I didn't know how to reach out. For some odd reason, as I look back, I feel I was too young to go through the emotions of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and afraid to connect with people. I didn't know how. Today, there are books and therapists and counseling and teachers who can point out where a child may have problems developing in many areas. I was always able to connect with my teachers in the fact that my grades were always good. But the more important thing of having no friends throughout most of my childhood didn't seem to stand out or matter as much to my parents and my teachers. I always knew there was something wrong about that. But as a seven year old girl, I didn't really know how to go about it. The only advice I was given was to write in diaries, to be able to express how I felt that way. But now matter how many stacks of diaries I had, everything of me and from me was hidden under a pillow at the end of the evening before bed. It was enough for a while, but eventually, I needed something else. Growing up as well, I was always sick, so in a way that helped me to avoid people and avoid going to school, since most of my childhood was not only spent in my room doing homework and studying, any other time than that was spent at the doctors office. My pediatricians were like family to me practically. I was more comfortable and surrounded by them moreso than my own father. Later on at the age of thirteen, I suffered from depression. I was too young to realize or put a name on as to what I was suffering from at the time. But it struck me so severely, that I tried to kill myself with a bottle of tylenol and a bottle of robitussin. Well, as you can see, it didn't work. My younger sister stayed by my side as I lay in bed in pain, falling in and out of sleep. I told my sister, but I didn't want her to tell dad. I didn't want to go to the hospital because I knew that they would make me feel better. I hoped that if I suffered this much that eventually I would fall asleep and not wake up the next morning. Every minute that I lied there in bed, I did not think for a moment that I had made a mistake. I didn't want to be around anymore. I think at the age of thirteen I may have been a bit harsh on myself in thinking that I needed to find my niche and do something great with my life. I would have rather not existed than to have lived another moment with no direction in my life; than to be completely lost and afraid. I can see now that I burdened myself with so much then. I've learned to not think as much that way anymore after fourteen years from that point in my life. You could say, I've lightened up a bit and that's another story in itself. For now, I need to get some rest.
Good night world.
Tomorrow is a new day.
